02 October 2015


I have these moments when I think: "It wouldn't be all bad if we were detached.  I think I could find someone else that fits me a bit better, that's willing to ask more about MY day.  I think there's someone out there that believes Netflix and chill actually means just that, and only that!" 
And then I remember that you gave me your Netflix password.

Then I think: "We really don't have that much in common and sometimes you annoy the shit out of me.  And most of the time I wonder why it's so hard for you remember things about me."
And then I remember you call me Robin, because you're Batman.

Finally I try once more: "If I could just have someone I would know would answer me back with an honest answer I wouldn't have to fight to get...things would be easier."
And then I remember, I'm the same way.

I guess I'm closer to you than I think.

01 October 2015

Unhappily Happy

The total bliss of being completely and ridiculously elated for someone, while being gutted and devastated at the same time.  This is what I'm feeling.  Does it make sense?  No.  Does it make me want to talk about it?  No.  Does it make me want to talk to you?  No.  Does it make me want to cry?  Yes, and I've caught myself starting to at quiet moments.  It makes my head feel heavy and my lungs tight.  It's a strange adrenal rush that is painful at the same time.  It makes my eyes watery and my fingers slow.  It's a pull that makes me feel small and tall at the same time.  It makes me want the best and the worst.  It makes me want to talk and be completely silent.  It's the thought of you leaving and finding a new me.  


aesthetic blog

Spiced Latte


Matthias James Barker
And I already failed.  I texted.  I couldn't stop myself.  I was in between a tumblr/Spotify spin and just got an itch to talk.  And of course, I leaned on what I felt the most comfortable...and I just got an apology.  There's that warm feeling again.  It's too easy to fall back into it all, isn't it?  It's too easy to grab the safety blanket.  It's too easy to want to feel okay.  Not that this wasn't going to get fixed or eventually everything wasn't going to go back to normal in some length of time.  It just freaks me out how much I need that comfort and how easily I just break down for it.  It's like when I'm in a fight with someone, I get to a point where I just start apologizing because I just can't fight anymore and I want everything to be comfortable.  Comfort is the most amazing feeling in the world but hey, catch 22, it's also a bit horrific what it makes you do for it.  Is this suddenly a seasonally fit post?  Halloween themed comfort?  

Speaking of, New Girl has the best analogy for relationships.  "Relationships are like haunted houses.  You go in all confident, but once you are in, you're scared."
Told you it was awesome.

23 September 2015

Night Crawlers

I'm a bit concerned.  I've talked about how my life has been a little on the stressful side as of late and it has, and it's awful.  However, when realizing that, I also realized that I was kind of forcing a relationship to continue.  As seen previously, there seems to be someone in my life I care for dearly and it's painstakingly obvious enough for me not to need to confirm or deny.  But yesterday, it came to my attention that he no longer wanted to be bothered by me.  

No, this wasn't a fight or a particularly mean conversation at all and I'm positive he just meant at that moment; I was being a little more buggy than usual.  Now, we are just friends.  But friends has always felt like the wrong word, because he's closer than a friend but too far for a relationship, so I don't really know what it should be called.  Anyways, back to the point.  ...It got me to look back on our conversations over the last two weeks.  Once again, I eluded to the fact that he had been away.  And today marks two full weeks of not seeing him in person.  I know this seems a little extreme, but when you talk to someone as often as we did and saw each other every single day for the passed couple of months, that time frame feels huge.  And I'm experiencing that feeling now again, because I told myself I wouldn't bug him today, at all.  When I was prompted to look back on previous conversations, I noticed an annoying trend...they all started because of me.  I hate being that person, a bug.  It gives the other person the ability to complain, complain about someone who cares for them.  Like I said, he was away...so our dynamic was forced through a change because of time differences and such.  However, he has been back since Friday and I have held the talking stick since.  After yesterday, I decided that if he wanted to talk to me, he had every ability to.  I wasn't going to be the one to start a conversation.  But it's just making my day drag and I miss him like he's gone again.  I guess it doesn't help the amount of stress I am carrying.  It's nice to have a person to chat with, but I will not be a bug.

21 September 2015

Foggy Realization

And because of the distance, I can see what I wanted before again.  Clear as day, it has found it's way home.  It'll take me ages to get there.  But it's what I've always had dreamed, in the back of my mind.  There's not anyone else there however.  It's me and the scenery.  And it's a beautiful scenery, breathtaking to say the least.  I guess the distance was a good thing.  I belong in the quiet cold.  The snow, the rain, and the comfort in the silence.  But you are searching for something louder.  There's nothing wrong.  I'm sure you'll visit and I'll do the same.  But I've feel hope and comfort in what I really am.  Which is not with you.

19 September 2015

Welcome Home

Wake me up at any time.
Call me with any need.
I love you.
Find me in your mind.
Think of me warm.
You love me.
Cold comes closer.
The mountains are now far.
But yet, here you are.

13 September 2015

Missing in Mountains

An hour and eleven minutes.
I miss you so goddamned much.
I texted, knowing you wouldn't answer.
Something, just something.
An hour and eight minutes.
I have homework to do.
I have a test on Thursday.
I have a shit ton of boxes coming to my house tomorrow.
Something, just something.
An hour and seven minutes.
Come on!
You have to have thought of me by now.
I know you have!