Here I am, bleeding out. I told you how I felt, to a degree of course, couldn't let it all hang out. Yet for two day straight a new name has surfaced. A new name, once mentioned by you when you were talking about emotions. Seriously, you don't even tell your emotions to me, you just say I know you. Does that mean I'm at a higher caliber that I know you? The second was a screenshot you sent of someone talking of this new name. Is this just some way of you slowly transitioning to her? Letting me know as subtlety as possible. I don't know what you want from me. I don't know what I want from you. But I don't like this new name, but I need space to breathe.
19 August 2015
15 August 2015
It's the stressful situations that puts everything in prospective. I've uprooted myself from a place where I had known to be familiar. In doing this, I realized how quickly I'm losing the people I love. Seeing them in sporadic ways hurts now, it's not enough. I hope one day it will be understood. But there's one person in particular I know I can never give a proper goodbye to, due to these recent events. I owe him a goodbye, so here it is:
Since the beginning of the season, you and I have clicked so well. We got along in every way and found ourselves being very much the same. I've gotten to know you very well in such a short amount of time and can honestly say I trust you. Being able for me to admit that, as you know, is a huge deal. I'm not one that does that easily. There aren't enough words in the world for me to describe how much I admire you. Nor enough to describe how much I appreciated every one of our conversations. Even the fights. I don't know where we will end up next but I hope the future treats you well. That your vacation is amazing. That your next job really does make you feel like you're making a difference. And that you find someone incredible. I also want to mention how apologetic I feel I need to be after all the added stress I've thrown upon you. I hope you know that you can do the same to me anytime.
12 August 2015
After tonight, I'm ready for it to be over.
It hurts to think that way.
I just didn't see a person I wanted anymore.
I saw something that scared me.
I saw you texting a ridiculous amount rather than adding to the many conversations that surrounded you.
I saw you laugh into your phone and when asked about your laughter, you smirked, "Don't worry about it."
You told her everything about a personal matter that I thought only we discussed.
I'm starting to wonder if you have the same conversations with different people over and over again.
That's fine, but I don't think I need to talk to you anymore.
I don't want to know everything everyone else knows.
I want to know you.
But the you that wanted to go tonight, that you that texts me, isn't the you that came.
This you resembled my worst nightmare.
You haven't met him and at this rate never will, but you followed his ways.
And I felt nothing.
No jealousy, no anger, no hurt.
I shouldn't have texted you.
08 August 2015
One month and a thousand mosquito bits later, I have four wins and a tie. I've ran and sacrificed the looks of my legs to prove that I'm better than the rest. I did that, four weeks in a row. Now the end is near. I don't know if I'll take a fifth win or if you will finally take your first. But one thing is for sure, I will miss you. Out west or to Chicago you will travel and stay. I'll always remember the twenty-three year old that taught me that running around in the dark after glow sticks in the woods can still be fun, even if you're one of the oldest players. I will miss you, because I talk to you everyday. I complain and you say something stupid to make me laugh. You understood my references better than anyone else I've ever met. Guess we really are too alike for our own good. So Kid Flash, only eight days remain. Will you miss your Robin?
26 July 2015
I feel like I'm in middle school again. That should scare people, not make them swoon. Middle school is the worst; you always run into the "does he like me?" bit. I hate that bit. I want that bit to die a most painful death. I have no problem saying what I'm thinking; it's how you will react that scares me. Shocker. I'm seriously blowing minds right now with this behavior. The problem is, I've not cared about someone this much since... But he destroyed me and that's why I still think of him.
The first guy I ever fell for, I was 6. He would give me hugs everyday. Does this sound ridiculous yet? In forth grade, we started the trend of talking to each other everyday for extended periods of time. Luckily, by the time I was in sixth grade, MySpace was a thing; so the conversations could transfer into the late hours. It wasn't long before I discovered the wonders of the telephone, and how many hours I could spend on it before my parents realized they should invest in something called "line two". But we talked about everything. Obviously, there was no choice in the matter. I remember sometimes being completely silent while listening to you play guitar. Or watching movies at the same time and yelling about how we hate when people talk during movies; but we were still on the phone. I remember countless hours of tears, mostly happy but also sad, that I shared with you. When AIM became popular, we were on the phone while AIMing in groups with our friends. Tight pants, Green Day, and long blond hair. And I loved you. High school came along and by then, things had already changed. AIM wasn't a thing. Texting was. MySpace was replaced by a face of books. You no longer called, neither did I. We'd just stare. Until the day I stared too long, on purpose. I wanted you to stop and that did it. I didn't want to love you anymore. I didn't want a small hope. I didn't want you. So from then on, we didn't associate with each other. I went though high school, alone. It was better that way; things in my life started to get really messy. If you would've walked away then, it would've made me worse. Graduation came and I remember the last look we shared. You were giving your speech. Because my name couldn't get more generic, I was dead center. You couldn't miss me and you didn't. And that's when it happened, when we officially parted ways. It wasn't painful. But I think about those talks and I miss them. I miss my best friend that I was madly in love with.
Now I'm 22. The names the same and unfortunately so is the game. We talk and text all of the time. What are you? I really like talking to you, but I can't afford another nick.
25 July 2015
Good morning, good afternoon, goodnight.
It's almost over.
I can feel it.
I don't want you to go.
I don't want to walk away.
But it'll happen.
We drove in opposite directions late last night.
That was the signal.
Immediately got the feeling that you would disappear.
At home, you didn't text me.
You didn't call.
I reached and you didn't grab.
This morning I was in knots.
I try again.
You see, but say nothing.
Do you feel it too?
15 July 2015
So I didn't clean like I said I would. This one felt different. I hadn't talked to someone this much since I was in middle school and discovered the wonders of the home phone or better yet AIM. I talk to you so often it feels like an extra limb I've gained. The third hemisphere of my brain I need to consult. I really liked that about us.
But you hurt me yesterday. You made me feel like this whole time everything was one sided. But how can that be when you texted me the second I got home? Believe it or not, I'm proud of myself. I haven't told you anything too serious, or too personal. Then again, I don't know if you asked. You just talk about yourself.
That extra limb and hemisphere I really liked having around, seem to prefer to do things on their own. They prefer not to listen. They do what they want. But if you want to be connected to me, you have to hear.